We went to Ogden today for my son’s birthday because he wanted to take his friend to the train museum, and afterwards we went to the ‘Two Bit Cafe’. This cafe was kind of a dive but its history is pretty cool. It had pictures of Al Capone and Spenser’s dad asked if he actually visited the place. He happened to have his own poker room in the back and visited fairly often because it was right by the train station. It used to be a gambling hall but according to google, gambling was outlawed in Utah in 1988. The manager showed us a clock with bullet holes in it that worked up until the 1960’s but is still on the wall for history’s sake.
I had kind of lost my patience with humanity last week and I hate that I do that, especially when I can’t fully explain why. I think I get tired of pretending that I don’t know what people think of me and that they can feel like they’ve done their good deed by talking to me when they won’t associate with me when other people are around. Do they think I won’t notice? The other thing is that it’s coming from all directions. Because I will no longer talk to the woman who was giving me problems to begin with, she’s on a smear campaign and so I’m getting glares from the people at the top and the people at the bottom. I got frustrated last week because I’m trying to counteract all of it by trying to stick up for one of the girls at work, because not only is it important to me but I also want to negate all of this shit and all of this mindless group think, but I think it ended up with me being viewed, once again, as a problem. I think I will always be a problem no matter what I do or how long I work there. Why don’t I try to find something else? Good question, but I realized in the last few years that I’m mostly motivated by pain and people constantly underestimating me. I don’t think it’s necessarily their fault though because I underestimate myself up until the point I feel disrespected then I start to assert myself and in extreme cases I’ll rise to the occasion and major growth will occur. I’m learning from this and no matter how hard it is at times, I can’t give up.
‘I won’t back down’ by Tom Petty has become my theme song. https://youtu.be/nvlTJrNJ5lA . Well it alternates between that and Kanye West’s ‘Amazing’ https://youtu.be/PH4JPgVD2SM . (No, I don’t like Kanye West, but it’s a good theme song) 😉
The other thing that keeps me going is that I can look in all of their faces and know that they’re wrong about me.
I hope this is the last I’ll talk about this stuff because I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I hope people understand that although I can be forgiving, it doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to get angry at my situation. I can’t always be stoic and I can’t always have a smile on my face. Some days I just can’t do it.
Here’s Ogden and the ride home: