This time last year, I felt I needed comfort and guidance continually. I still do but last year I was so afraid of making even one wrong move. One wrong move to me meant my whole life would be destroyed. I was even afraid of crying because I thought it would be taken wrong. I remember telling a friend a little bit about my situation. We were in the cafeteria and I started crying where everybody could see me. I prayed on the way home and asked if it was okay to let myself be seen as vulnerable.
I got the answer in a book I was reading that night and I wrote about it in my journal.
I was new to the knowledge of Jesus Christ. I grew up thinking you had to be perfect to be blessed. I guess I didn’t even know what being blessed meant. I didn’t know how this would work; if I didn’t go to church, didn’t pay my tithing, drank coffee, what then? Would I just be left alone with nobody helping me? Would my life be in ruin? I received an answer in a zoom meeting session of my brother’s sacrament meeting. I wrote it down:
This was what I was worried about. The answer, I’ve found, after almost a year of walking a tightrope is that God knows what’s in your heart. It’s impossible not to stumble along the way, you can’t be perfect but you can seek to do God’s will. Do the best you can, that’s what is so great about the Atonement. And if He’s asked you to do something He will give you the power to do it. He will be by your side and won’t abandon you. This is the strength that guides me today. It is the only way I could’ve ever made it this far. I will never tell you otherwise.
Along with that is the knowledge that this experience is to bring people unto Christ and to show mercy. I may not be perfect but I know I wouldn’t be given God’s help if I didn’t follow His commandment to love thy neighbor. Forgive and show mercy, those things are clear.
But if you continue to come after me, He has also promised to “confound my enemies.”
I know I’m being guided and protected. I know it. This experience has been really hard, but it’s been worth it to know that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It may not seem like it sometimes but He loves you and knows what’s best for you.
Thank you for reading.