So, I applied for a quality engineering position because that is what I was prompted to do. It isn’t how I wanted this to go. I wanted for people to do the right thing and understand what I’ve been going through. When I first realized that this was God’s plan for me, I pictured unity and community. Change. I didn’t realize that I’d have to fight for it. I don’t want it this way. I don’t even want the job and I know I’m not qualified for it.
I’d rather they just fire me and get it over with. I’m tired and I don’t want to work with people who don’t want me there. I don’t want to work with people I will probably never trust again in my life. I don’t want to work with people I’m constantly fighting. This is hell, and I’m not shy about saying so. I can’t call a single person a friend or confidant. I know 100% that what I say will go to its intended audience regardless of the person I’m talking to.
There’s never a moment that this is not on my mind. I try to relax but it’s always there. I know it’s waiting for me. Always. I get anxious and I can’t settle down enough to read a book anymore. I don’t know where to start.
I know that God will get me through this but the scary part is trying to get through another day knowing that this hasn’t been resolved yet. I know it’ll be resolved, but when? And how many more disappointments am I going to have to endure in the meantime?
I feel the need to always appear strong and confidant. I do have a lot of moments of that because I know that God is with me, but it’s pretty debilitating a lot of the time too. I don’t get out of bed too early in the morning because what do I do with the rest of the day? I can’t really focus on too much anymore. I feel accomplished when I complete something like installing my son’s closet organizer or shelving for his DVD collection. I even feel accomplished when I make dinner one or two nights out of the week. I lay in bed most of the time and I’m glad my husband is understanding and grateful for the things I do when I have the energy to do them.
We went on an adventure to Duschene of all places. We went there for my Polaroid project. One of my memories of my mom was visiting my aunt and uncle when they were running a motel out there. They lived in the attached apartment. They always let us stay in the motel rooms and we’d always get in trouble for doorbell ditching the other patrons. (Not that there were very many)Photography hasn’t really been very interesting to me for a while now. We only went because my son suggested we go on an outing. I’m glad we did, but I didn’t take many photos.
I don’t know why I’m saying all of this. I’m never quitting my job because nothing you can do to me would be any worse than what I’ve already gone through. God is instructing me to stay, so I am. The ball is in your court. Please fire me so I can leave.